John Wesley Thomas "Red Jet" MacMhurchaidh’s Neighborhood
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ‘ XL.’
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble..
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘Theirs.’
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It’s worse when you forget to pull it down.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it’s called golf…
Gimme a V! Gimme an O! Gimme an X! What's that spell? VOX!
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Over a pleasant evening meal some friends were discussing going to the gym and the various effects of working out.
Joe mentioned that it was possible to get "pectoral inserts" for the "reasonable" cost of $6000.
Tom snickered, looked completely aghast and commented,"For $6000 you could get a personal trainer and get the same result without surgery."
Rob said, "For $6000 you could get a woman who doesn't care what you look like."
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, also referred to as mechanic's lube, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.
I 've been sitting at my computer, gradually noticing that there seem to be a helluva lot of flies buzzing around the house. I mean, you always get a couple in summer, right? But I swatted about a dozen in an hour. The cats have been chasing their fair share too. So I went looking for where they might be coming from.
I just went into the kitchen, where they seemed to be concentrated. We have one tall window. There seemed to be a lot against the screen on the inside. I started swatting, which only seemed to generate more flies, not fewer. I looked up.
OMFG.
There were about 100 flies swarming at the very top of the window. It was so fucking gross, I can't even tell you. I have to admit I ran SHRIEKING from the kitchen. My skin has been crawling ever since--I have no idea where they came from.
Mr. BA is in there now with the fly strips and the Raid and the swatter.
*shudder*.
I almost effected another textbook bird rescue today--but was thwarted by a complete fucking IDIOT.
As I left my building to go to lunch, I saw a long cardboard box by the door. Inside was a teeeeny little blue bird. Not sure what it was, but the little fellow had obviously hit a building. Some kind soul had scooped him up and put him out of harm's way, for the moment.
Since I only live a few blocks away, but on a much quieter street, and was heading home to walk les dogs anyway, I thought the best thing would be to take him home and leave him protected in the shade of my garden, until I could take him to the wild bird rescue centre after work. The only thing was the box he was in didn't have any kind of lid. So I went back to my office, grabbed a smaller box with a lid and a t-shirt I keep in case I decide to go to the gym, and went back down.
Just as I got there, I see some fucking MORON peering into the box. I start to yell, NO, DON"T TOUCH HIM. But this stupid retard decides it will be a good idea to pick the box up and just throw the bird into the air.
The little bird managed to get airborne, but not very high--I'm sure it had hurt its wing. It proceeded to try to fly brokenly across the busy downtown street at just above head level-- and got hit by a bus.
FUCK.
I was sick to my stomach. I wanted to throttle Old Man Fuck-for-Brains, who is literally some toothless old homeless guy who hangs out in the smoking area in front of the building to bum cigarettes or pick through the butts.
I totally could have saved that poor little bird. Instead he got schmucked by a bus.
God, I hate stupid people.
The WASP Injector Knife
was designed to kill in a gruesome but effective way. It’s a defense against sharks, wildcats, and bears.
From the product site: This weapon injects a freezing cold ball of compressed gas, approximately the size of a basketball, at 800psi nearly instantly. The effects of this injection will drop many of the world’s largest land predators. The effects of the compressed gas not only cause over-inflation during ascent when used underwater, but also freezes all tissues and organs surrounding the point of injection on land or at sea.
You just know someone, somewhere, is going to stick this into another human being and pull, or push, or whatever it is you have to do to make it fire.Just adding this to the list of things I really, really, REALLY FUCKING HATE - like cluster bombs and land mines.
Have a nice day, now.
