I drive luxury cars.

If you had to write your autobiography in 6 words, what would you write?
Submitted by mitzie.

What do you do when you get a crush on someone?
Submitted by Desi.

Stalk them until legal action is taken.

What is your deepest, darkest fear?
Submitted by [Susan].

Self-aware robots and/or tapeworms.

Show us your bible.
Submitted by Connie.

The Modern Gentleman: A Guide to Essential Manners, Savvy & Vice

Phineas Mollod

What's your favorite thing about being sick?

Definitely the diarrhea.

I’ll tell you what’s wrong! Kids. Damn, lazy kids. You want economic stimulation and less crime? Put kids back to work. Hey, gold bricks don’t smelt themselves, people. Besides, have you any idea the drop off in rock candy and Pall Mall sales since the abolition of child labor? Well, neither do I, at least not specific figures and such, but I’ll bet it’s substantial - I just betcha! And that’s just two industries fueled by sans-hiny-hair hirelings. Imagine all the other crap these kids’ll throw their money at. I mean, they’re already fuckin’, but they can’t afford rubbers, so what happens? Knocked up, that’s what. Give’m some foldin’ cash and they’ll waltz they’re boners straight to the corner grocery for some jimmy caps, rock candy and Pall Malls. Bing, bang, boom - everyone’s happy and there are less kids having kids, ergo, more competition in the job market for smelters or miners or pig shit shoveler or whatever else it was that kids did that adults could pay them to do because they knew what horribly shitty work it was and refused to do it themselves.

Fuckin’ A, Bubba.

Show us something cheerful.
Submitted by Alex.

Oh Joy!

What's the meanest thing you've ever said to someone?

"Merry Christmas, you ho, ho, ho!"

I said that to a girl in 7th grade. She was very mean to me and I thought I was being awfully clever. If this is the part where you're expecting me to say, "but it was wrong and I'm sorry", you can keep waiting. She deserved it and I laughed my peach-fuzz nuts off. I'm not a mean guy and that's the beauty of it - she had it coming and she had no idea it would be coming from me. Note: When pushed to the limit, even nice guys have a mean streak.

Have a lovely evening.

Sincerely,
Me

P.S. "Merry Christmas, you ho, ho, ho!" may or may not be the worst thing I have ever said to anyone, but it is the first thing I thought of when posed with this particular question.

P.P.S. Be certain to get plenty of vitamin C. There are lots of nasty illnesses floating around and vitamin C will help strengthen your immunity.

P.P.P.S. Do you think anyone has ever conducted an orchestra with his penis? If not, do you think that would be the sort of thing that would get me into the Guinness Book of World Records?

Share your favorite Oscar moment.

Share your cell phone ring tone.
Submitted by Ross.

It goes "ring ring" like a phone should and it's not loud enough for people in a 3 mile radius to hear.